I Know That Kid

I know Garrett Quedens. I never met him before, but I know him.

Garrett Quedens is any young 14-year old child of suburban parents. He has lots of friends. He never cuts class. He rarely gets into trouble. Everyone that knows him describes him as a good kid.

Living in the Town of Babylon, which includes the Village of Lindenhurst where I live, I run into lots of Garrett Quedens all the time. In fact, I live with one. You know him as Zeb.

I also know his parents, Thomas and Gizella. I never met them, but I know them. They're not much different than me and Skippy or from our neighbors who work hard to provide a comfortable home in which to raise their children.

That's why this story threw me and Skippy for a huge loop. This could be our story.

No one could have forseen Garrett Queden being found dead in the early morning hours of New Year's Day, much less freezing to death after downing a bottle of vodka with his friend.

But that's how it went down, and now we have lots of questions.

Not so much of how it could happen, but if it could happen to us.

The answer is yes.

We broke down the circumstances behind Garrett's death.

He was out late.
We live in a bedroom community where it gets dark, cold and quiet early in these parts during Winter. So, whether one's curfew is 12 midnight or 8PM is negligible. The streets of Lindenhurst and West Babylon are fairly safe, and most kids know to avoid the trouble spots. After all, our neighborhood is not an idyllic, crime-free community.

His parents did not know where he was.
Like many kids his age, they all have their usual hangouts, and most parents know where they are. Garrett's was in a wooded section at the end of Watson Avenue. Zeb and his pals like to go to the athletic field behind Lindenhurst High School. When they get bored, they move to other haunts. These days, they all carry cell phones, so it's alot easier to get in touch with them. But regardless of whether they're carry a phone or not, when they are out of the house and on their own, they never roam far from home.

He drank a liter of vodka with a friend.
Okay. Garrett did a stupid thing. But that comes with the territory of being 14. As it turns out, this mistake cost Garrett his life. But it's still a mistake. His parents probably had that talk with him about the consequences of consuming alcohol, taking drugs, and premarital sex without making the boy feel like an idiot. That said, he died on a brutally cold night. He could have been hit by a car while walking along a poorly lit street.

The biggest fear of any parent is losing one of their children. Sadly, Thomas and Gizella Quedens fears have been realized. Their realization could just as well be ours.

And there's the rub.

This could have happened to anyone's kid.

So, yeah, I know Garrett Quedens. I never met him, but I know him well.

And I because I know him, I grieve his loss.

One More Thing....

I thought of this while I was out walking my dog tonight. As I was turning the corner of Centre Avenue and Albert Street in good ol' Lindenhurst, NY, I happened upon a young man in a beat up pick up truck wearing a camo-safari hat and greasy "wife-beater" t-shirt. He was blaring some old Ozzie tune as loud as his standard-issue Delco stereo could go and waiting for him on the passenger side was, what appeared to be a scared, young girl. 

Okay, appearances can be deceiving. After all, former President Bill Clinton, an Arkansas native, was also a Rhodes Scholar. (I apologize for offending any Arkansans, but the name of your fine state and Rhodes Scholarship are not exactly synonymous. But if it makes you feel any better, he's proof that smart guys can be assholes with women, too.) But I digress....

While I didn't mean to cast aspersions on this young couple who I did not know, the scene got me thinking about how easy it is for guys like this to play on the fears on young women like the girl in the passenger seat, and trap her into a life of poverty, misery, and abuse. This is why I wrote the ten things I would say to my 15-year old daughter, and why, I offer you now, number 11. 

11. Never willingly put yourself in a position to have to rely on a man to support you for the rest of your life, or in a position that allows an able-bodied, intelligent man to rely on you for life-long support. He will fail you each and every time. 

This is guaranteed. Take care of yourself first. What does this mean? It means become a self-sufficient woman. It means never give up your educational, vocational and/or professional aspirations for the sake of his. It means that entering into all financial dealings with him equitably, if not equally. It means taking a practical approach to gaining a mutual understanding with him on what it means to be with you, and, ultimately, gaining his respect. If a man can't or won't allow you to spread your wings and fly in the direction your heart and mind desire, then he's not the man for you.

Things A Dad Should Tell His 15-year old Daughter About Sex

Okay, I have to come clean. My wife and I are the parents of a beautiful 15-year old girl who's recently started dating boys.

Believe it or not, we are comfortable with the idea of her dating because it is a biological and emotional inevitability; the natural progression from childhood to adulthood; a sign of her ever-growing maturity. In fact, we welcome it because we can see how much confidence this instills in her.

But she is 15 and quite clueless to the ingenious methods teenage boys will employ to get inside her pants. I was once one of those teenage boys so possessed by his own hormones that he would stop at nothing to reach the promised land. So, here we are -- my wife and I -- on the precipice of her budding sexuality pondering how to help her navigate these most uncertain of years.

So here goes:

1. Sexual intercourse is beautiful act to between two partners who share a deep and loving affection for one another and wish to express it in its highest physical form. It is not an activity for which you should be ashamed. Conversely, fucking is an act between two people acting on a biological impulse. While "love making" and "fucking" may lead to equally powerful orgasms, "love making" invariably leads to more "love making" and possibly a lifetime of joyful partnership. Fucking invariably leads to regrets and, possibly a lifetime of heartache and disappointment. This is a huge difference that you would do well to recognize and take to heart.
2. Your sexuality is only part of what makes you beautiful. Your wit, your intelligence, your good nature, and your self-respect are also important factors in the equation of your innate beauty. Good men understand this and will always encourage you to show your beauty -- including your sexuality. Stupid and scared men (boys, really) will try to suppress your beauty because it threatens them. As with point one, this is a huge difference that you would do well to recognize and take to heart.
3. Boys lie. During their teenage years boys are ruled by their hormones, just as you are, but the hormones coursing through their bodies makes them do stupid shit like punch holes in walls, ride supermarket carts down steep hills for fun, and jerk off when they can't get any from nice girls like you. Take it from Dad's friend Missouri Mule -- Treat'em like shit and never give'em any. But only when you have to.
4. Don't be mean, or bitchy or catty with your sexuality. Believe it or not, boys have feelings, too, and, while boys may have to earn the privilege to share your company, it does not give you the right to decide who can and who cannot approach you. Trust me, girls like that are a dime a dozen these days and they will all grow up to be miserable adults if they don't get over their narcissism. I don't see this as a difficult task for you because you are such a nice kid. Stay that way. Your niceness will serve you well.
5. Having sex is a choice you make with your partner. When you do not choose it and have sex anyway, that's called rape. Never, ever feel ashamed to tell anyone if this has happened to you. As your father, I cannot fathom the pain any woman feels after such a horrific event, but know that you will always have my undying love and support. While it is my fervent hope that such a thing never happens to you, know that it could, and always be aware of your surroundings, even amongst friends. Remember that "no" really does mean "no" and you can say no at any point during the act, and the law will be on your side.
6. Insist on using condoms. You can get really sick and die if you don't, and all it takes is one time to get sick. Take it from your Dad on this one. I have gone in un-sheathed many times and, luckily, all I ever needed was a shot of penicillin in my ass. If you don't believe me, then consider the fates of my oldest brothers who are no longer with us. They died of AIDS. They were really nice guys. They were. But they engaged in high-risk behaviors that cost them their lives. It's okay to learn from the mistakes of others. I'm sure your uncles wouldn't mind if you did from theirs.
7. Insist on using condoms (Part 2). Unprotected sex can lead to unwanted pregnancies, and it does not take a genius to figure out, who usually gets stuck with feeding and raising the child. That would be you and, by extension, us. In fact, the odds are stacked against single, teenage moms these days because they do not have the skills or the resources to properly raise the child. It's not an impossible feat, but an incredibly difficult one on your own. There's no extra credit for effort in this classroom. This leads to the next piece of advice.
8. Abortion is a bad choice, but not because the church or some guy in a funny hat and robe say so. It's a bad choice because it is painful and could lead to complications later on in life that could prevent you from having planned children. Abortion is a surgical procedure, which has it's own inherent physical and psychological risks. I don't know anyone woman whose called the the decision to abort a pregnancy "easy" or without its regrets. But know that the decision to do so or not is ultimately yours.
9. If you should ever happen to get pregnant before you intend to, don't wait until it's too late to tell someone. Don't hide it from anyone, and, don't be ashamed of the fact that you are. Hey, accidents happen; condoms break; sometimes you do really stupid things when you're drunk. Doesn't matter. What's important is that you deal with the situation properly and sanely. Get medical help and don't be afraid to discuss your options with us or with a professional counselor or, if you really feel the need to, a priest. (However, why you would ever trust the words of someone who has no entree into this topic is beyond me.)
10. Finally, to reiterate Point #9, don't ever be afraid to talk to us about anything that's troubling you. I know that as a teenager, you have many confidants who will fill your brains with all manner of half-truths and bad advice, and that's to be expected. However, before you take any of their words to heart, ask yourself this -- how is that they know so much about life (sex included) if they've only lived as long as you? Your mother and I will not chew you out for asking questions about life and sex. In fact, we hope that you will trust us enough with your issues -- even the ones about sex. We know a thing or two about it and have no problem sharing our combined knowledge with you. Most importantly, we love you.

Okay, that's all I have for now sweetie. There may be more advice as I think of it, but right now, I feel I've covered enough to keep you awake at night with these ten points.

A special thanks to all my friends at Blondesense for helping me out with this one. It's been a long time coming, I know, but better late than never. Right?