Roses Are Red...And So Are The Thongs?

Some of the strangest shit happens here on Long Island. It's not all murder and sexual mayhem. Sometimes we do funny, too.

Take for instance the story my boys could not wait to tell me when they got home from school. Normally, I'm not home to greet them as they come through the door, but today was one of those rare exceptions. I had some audit work to do out here at a local company office, so my boss said, "work the rest of the day from home." Do I have a cool boss or what?

I digress.

My boys came home to tell me that the school store made a huge gaffe in ordering one of their fund-raiser items. What they thought were silk, red, long-stemmed roses to be purchased and handed out by students as Valentines gifts were really red thongs wrapped to look like a rose bulb.

I kid you not.

According to Rick, they were quite the hot item, until one of the assistant principals saw a kid wearing a red thong on his head. Not only do they serve to hide the unenviable VPL, but they make for a rather striking head dress as well. I suppose, too, they'll keep your head warm in this weather if you wear enough of them.

As a parent, my instinct was to call the school and ask them, "what the fuck were you thinking? Do you morons ever check your purchase orders before sending them out to a vendor?" It certainly would have been easy to take the moral high ground here, but I just laughed.

I kept thinking to myself that somewhere in that school today, some young lad between the ages of 11 and 13 was implanted with idea that giving a future girlfriend thong panties shaped to form a red, long-stem rose is cool. How else would this item make it to market?

Call this my version of Question of The Day, and I pose it to women specifically -- is getting a pair of red panties either sexy or romantic? How would you react if you lover and/or significant other handed you this item and said "open it honey, it'll surprise you?"

After all, "the panties are cleverly hidden." That's gotta count for something!