Some of the strangest shit happens here on Long Island. It's not all murder and sexual mayhem. Sometimes we do funny, too.
Take for instance the story my boys could not wait to tell me when they got home from school. Normally, I'm not home to greet them as they come through the door, but today was one of those rare exceptions. I had some audit work to do out here at a local company office, so my boss said, "work the rest of the day from home." Do I have a cool boss or what?
I digress.
My boys came home to tell me that the school store made a huge gaffe in ordering one of their fund-raiser items. What they thought were silk, red, long-stemmed roses to be purchased and handed out by students as Valentines gifts were really red thongs wrapped to look like a rose bulb.
I kid you not.
According to Rick, they were quite the hot item, until one of the assistant principals saw a kid wearing a red thong on his head. Not only do they serve to hide the unenviable VPL, but they make for a rather striking head dress as well. I suppose, too, they'll keep your head warm in this weather if you wear enough of them.
As a parent, my instinct was to call the school and ask them, "what the fuck were you thinking? Do you morons ever check your purchase orders before sending them out to a vendor?" It certainly would have been easy to take the moral high ground here, but 
I just laughed.
I kept thinking to myself that somewhere in that school today, some young lad between the ages of 11 and 13 was implanted with idea that giving a future girlfriend thong panties shaped to form a red, long-stem rose is cool. How else would this item make it to market?
Call this my version of Question of The Day, and I pose it to women specifically -- is getting a pair of red panties either sexy or romantic? How would you react if you lover and/or significant other handed you this item and said "open it honey, it'll surprise you?"
After all, "the panties are cleverly hidden." That's gotta count for something!
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Over the years teaching at La Scuola d’Italia NY, I have learned that
children are not just students; they are careful observers of the world,
full of q...
6 months ago
that is cool!!!!
ReplyDeleteLet's just hope your boys get the joke and never, ever offer a thong rose to their future girlfriends. That is, the thong valentine...not so sexy and definitely not romantic.
ReplyDeleteOh my. That story made my day.
ReplyDeleteReceiving just a thong as a gift is neither sexy nor romantic. Maybe - and I mean MAYBE - if it were part of a very fancy complete lingerie ensemble. But it would have to be some nice, high-quality stuff. A thong that was bunched up into the shape of a rose by an impoverished 8 yr old in some Chinese sweat-shop? NOT hot.
I'd hand it back and request tinfoil.
ReplyDeletegmb - I think they do. They were literally pissing their pants telling me this one.
ReplyDeleteSuzi - glad I can make your day. My boys now have a standing order never to offer a woman a red rose thong -- EVER! Nothing says skeevy better!
DCup - That's a tough call. Tinfoil is pretty expensive these days....I suppose you're worth it.
It's romantic if it's meant as a joke...I'd laugh my head off (I'd also be wearing the thong there). But if it was in earnest? Ugh. You know who would seriously give a woman a red thong disguised as a rose? The "d*** in a box" guys on Saturday Night Live.
ReplyDeleteCDP - I agree. It's funny when it's left at the "gag" level. While I don't see a pair in your future coming seriously from Mr. 5-0, the sad reality is that there are guys out there for whom this is a romantic gesture and women out there who will accept it as such. They can be found cavorting on the Jerry Springer Show.
ReplyDeleteThat is hysterical. And yes, as a joke it's funny. But I've never gotten the "give your sweetheart lingerie" idea for Valentine's Day. I mean, who is that really for, anyway? Not the woman! ;-)
ReplyDeleteNow a gift certificate for a spa day or massage...that would be nice.
MG - this was one of those few times when my boys had me in tears about something funny. You just can't make this shit up.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the gift idea. A spa day sounds really nice. But the existence of these panty roses proves one or both of these assertions:
- the consumer markets drive what does and does not get sold.
- there's a sucker born every minute.
Hahahaha, now that's fucking funny.
ReplyDeleteWait. Be back later, I have to take the lingerie back to the store. I'll just buy her a vacuum cleaner instead!
Okay RG...just remember to get the right-sized bags for the damn thing on your way back. Ya think the lingerie store would stock them?
ReplyDeleteno, no, no. it is funny I grant you that.
ReplyDeleteRandal, I hope the vacuum is for you , not your wife too. I'm with Suzi on this one. If there was more to it, you could laugh at the cheesiness. If it accompanied anything badass, it would be funny, but by itself. No.
ReplyDeleteI love that this happened at your kids school. It is now a day they will remember and laugh about for a long time.
That is so funny - holy crap, too funny.
ReplyDeleteCleverly hidden.
hahahaha - i love it.
Oh I forgot to answer the question. Nah- I don't really find getting the red thong good or sexy or whatever.
ReplyDeleteBut remember my age and whatever...
Thanks Lib. But I understand that I take no credit of authorship for this story; only the commentary. My boys, on the other hand, are the comedians behind this tale.
ReplyDeleteFreida - I'm with you. I'm glad this happened to them, too, because these are the stories that will stick with them forever. Now, what I need to do is find a way to relay their stories about the bus driver from hell.
Fran - age and sexiness are not factors tied together in some cosmic equation called beauty. In fact, I would argue that beauty and sexiness and any other measure of human aesthetic are tied directly to your own image of self. It matters not what I think nor does it matter how old you are. I'll bet if I ask Mr. He-I-is, he would tell me that you are the sexiest thing on two legs. If I asked him why, I'll bet he'd say "because she just is." So go ahead and don the thong FranIam, and be the sexy.
Now imagine buying a dozen...
ReplyDeleteRegards,
Tengrain
I'm sorry, I'm laughing so hard I'm not sure I can answer this coherently. I suppose it depends on the man (right?). If my husband decided to present me with a red thong for V-Day I would yip with glee and run off to the bedroom to put them on. But that's my husband, what can I tell you?
ReplyDelete